How Far
by purplepagoda
Summary: Ziva reveals a secret. Will Tony be able to face her ultimatum. Does she really want the truth. Will he let her walk away? Will she really leave forever, this time? Will he even try to stop her? If he cant say what she needs to hear he'll lose her forever
1. I Wish You'd Stay

They climb onto the elevator, neither of them saying a single word. She stands on one side, he on the other. She looks up, he meets her glance. She quickly looks away, but realizes that all he needed was a second. He only needed one second of eye contact from her, to read her like an open book.

He knew that it was time, to say things, that needed to be said, to ask the questions that he wanted answers to. He knew that she would never tell him, on her own volition. It seemed as if they were always going the opposite directions. He knew that all it would take, to set the world right, was to push her. He didn't have to shove her with great force. She just needed someone, to push her back. Something was clearly weighing on her mind, and... she would never let him in, if he didn't ask.

He clears his throat, to get her attention. She doesn't say a single word, but her eyes meet his. This time she doesn't quickly look away. She stares at him in irritation. Her eyes beg one question, _what?, _they ask him. She flips the elevator off, and crosses her arms across her chest. She waits for him to ask whatever it is, that is on his mind.

"You've been distant lately," he begins.

"There is no question in that."

"Something is bothering you."

"That is an accusation, not a question."

"What is bothering you?"

"It is not important?"

"Really? Ziva everything, that we are not saying. All of the secrets that each one of us is keeping, it is tearing our team apart. At first I didn't notice, when we started fraying at the seems, but now... there are wholes, and no one is doing anything to patch them. I feel like everything is about to fall apart."

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"We all need to try and fix it."

"Starting with me?"

"What do you want me to say?"

"What is it that you really want to know."

"I know that there is are things going on in your life, that you don't want to share with me, and I get that. I have never been very...understanding about any of your relationships. I can understand why you don't want to talk about them. I am not asking you to. I'm simply asking what is bothering you? I can tell that it's something big, something that is going to cause upheaval, and I want to know what it is."

"You will not like it," she warns.

"Just tell me."

"Tell me why this is so important for you to hear."

"You first."

"I have been thinking about leaving."

"NCIS?"

"D.C."

"Where would you go?"

"I think that you know."

"What would you do for a job?"

"I would go to the NCIS branch there."

"Why?"

"I want more. I want more than just a job. I need more."

"You can't go."

"See, this is why I can't tell you anything. You never, ever support any decision that I make. I can never do anything right. I do not live my life to please you."

"Don't go."

"I have no reason to stay."

"You worked so hard to get where you are, why would you give it all away now? For a guy? A guy who, promises you the world, but will only let you down. No one can give you everything that you want. I thought I knew where your loyalties were, but now... Gibbs will not be happy about this. If you leave, you won't..."

"If I leave, I won't be coming back. I do not want to come back. I need to keep moving forward, I can't stand still."

"I don't know what you're looking for, but you never stay in one place long enough, to find it. You can't keep running."

"I'm not running."

"Really? It certainly feels like you are."

"Don't do this. I do not want to leave things like this. I don't want to leave, being angry at you. I know that you are trying to... no, actually I don't know what you're trying to do. I just know that you aren't helping. You are making this worse. You say things, and you don't care if they are hurtful or not. I am tired of playing games. I am tired of pretending that I am ok. I do not want to pretend to be happy. I have the things that I want, if I stay here. That has been made perfectly clear to me."

"You're wrong."

"And, you are a jerk. What is your point? Tony I am beginning to think that you just don't want me to be happy. I know that you aren't happy, but you can't drag everyone down with you."

"Ziva, that's not it at all."

"Then, just for once say what is really on your mind. Say what you really feel, instead of trying to come up with excuses for a situation to turn out the way that you want."

"You don't want that."

"What happens if I stay? What changes? Nothing. I will be stuck here, with the same daily routine. I will have nothing to show, for anything."

"If you leave, how will you ever know? Is he that great? Can he give you the things that you want? If you're with him, is he going to be married to you, or the job? Is he going to put you first? Do you really think that he can do that? Because I doubt it. I am not trying to hurt you, I just want you to think about it. Think about where you will be, if things don't work out."

"Why do you have to insist that things won't work out? You don't know how things are going to play out."

"Maybe," he breaks eye contact, he looks at the floor, "Maybe I just don't want it to work out. Did you ever consider that?"

She doesn't say anything, she begins to chew on her fingernail. She stares at the panel of buttons in front of her. She knew how to operate this elevator, all of the buttons to push to make it do what she wanted. After five and a half years together, she still did not know all of the buttons to push. He was her partner, and she knew him almost as well as she knew herself. Finally she had found a new button, the one that she had been looking for, all along. The one to get him to be truthful. The button that would bring down his walls, for a second, so he could let her in. He always accused her of not letting him in, but the truth was they both kept themselves guarded. Neither of them had ever been ready to let the other one in, but now, she just needed the truth. She purses her lips, and looks over at him. He stares back at her with pleading eyes. In her heart she knows exactly what question to ask him. Finally she exhales.

"I need you to be honest with me, just once. I don't want one of your safe answers. I want the truth. Are you happy?"

"No," he admits.


	2. Almost Doesn't Count

She feels a weight lifting off of them. They were like a pair of pack mules, who shared a load, which neither of them could become unburdened from.

He sees a change in her eyes, and he wonders if he could tell her the truth. He wonders if she could handle all of it.

She decides that she has to push. If she wants answers, if she wants the truth, the only way, was to push him. Not even a push, really, just a nudge in the right direction. She allows a moment to pass, and then asks.

"Why not?"

"I don't want you to leave," he admits.

"I got that much. I want to know why."

"Who am I, without you?"

"The same person that you have always been."

"Exactly, I don't want to be that person."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that... I hate Ray. I know that it's not fair to hate someone that you haven't even met, but... I hate him. I hate him, because I always think of him, with you, and I hate that idea, that picture. He wants you, and I don't want him to have you. He wants you there, and I want you here."

"Why?"

"Why? I don't know," he shrugs.

"If you can't answer that, then I don't have a reason to stay. What do I have tying me here? Nothing. There is not a house payment, or a family member, or a lover. There is nothing to keep me here."

"Your job."

"I am not married to my job."

"Are you going to marry him?"

"Would you come to the wedding?"

"No," he answers too quickly.

"Because?"

"I wouldn't want to have to stand up and object. I couldn't have you hate me, for the rest of your life."

"You would stand up, and object?"

"Yes."

"What if that wasn't included in the ceremony?"

"It wouldn't matter. I would still stand up, and object."

"Why? Why won't you let me be happy?"

"Would that really make you happy? Would marrying Mister Fabulous make you happy? If it would, then you should go."

"You don't think that it would?"

"I think you like the idea. After a while, you would get tired of it. You would be homesick."

"Homesick? I am not homesick now."

"Do you still feel as if Israel is your home?"

"No."

"So where is your home? Here? You have been here almost six years. You grow attached to a place in that amount of time."

"I guess, that I would call D.C., home."

"Why? Because it's a great city? Because it's where you live, where you work? Or because it's where all of the people you care about are?"

She looks away. She feels the walls falling. He always knew just what to say, to make her fall apart, to question everything. Her eyes begin to fill with tears, but this time she doesn't blink them away. She looks at him, and furrows her brow. She shakes her head in dissatisfaction. He moves a hair closer as the first tear rolls down her cheek. She looks at him. Her brown eyes, see through him.

"Just once, put it all out there. Show your hand. I am so tried, of this. I can't do this, not anymore," she begs him.

"I don't want you to go. I don't want you to be happy with him."

"Why not? What claim do you have over me?"

"None. If you think that he'll make you happy, then go."

"Are you telling me to go, or do you want me to stay?"

"Both. Go if you have to, but... I don't want you to."

"Why not? Why do you want me to stay?"

"I can't..."

"You can't, or you won't? You know, almost, doesn't count."

"What do you want me to say?"

"How you feel."

"You never do, why should I?"

"I never have any reason to."

"You want me to give you a reason?"

"If you want me to stay, then you should."

"If the price of your happiness is leaving, and me... go."

"You're sure? This is your last chance. I will leave, and I will not come back. I will not call, or send you emails. I won't text, or write. This time, once I am gone, I am gone forever, I am not coming back. I may be alive, out there, somewhere else in the world, but... to you, I'll be dead."

"Don't..."

"It is the only way."

"Don't leave me."

"Why not?"

"Because I need you. I need you like I need oxygen. I can't live without you."

"You have told me that you can't live without me, before."

"Isn't that enough?"

"I want more. I want something concrete. I want something more than that."

"Why can't it be enough?"

"I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone. I will not wait forever. I think that I have waited long enough. I think that I deserve the truth."

"What if I can't be... what if I can never be..."

"Be what?"

"What if I can never be the person that you need?"

"You aren't now. You refuse to be."

"I'm afraid."

"Of what?"

"Losing my partner, my friend."

"That is what you are afraid of?"

"I am afraid that... things will never be the same. I am afraid that I will always be me, and make the same mistakes that I have my whole life."

"You are never going to say it, are you?"

"I want to."

"Then why don't you?"

"You don't need me. I... I can't ask you to stay. That would be selfish, because I can't promise you anything. I wish that you would stay, but... I won't make you. I will not be the reason that you didn't go after something that you wanted. Because if you stay, and you give up on what you already have, what you might have, somewhere else, you will hate me for it. I would rather have you never talk to me again, and be happy somewhere else, than stay here, and hate me."

"You are never going to understand what I am asking, are you? You will never get it. Sometimes, you have to give up some of yourself. Sometimes you have to meet in the middle. I am willing to do that, but obviously, you aren't."


	3. As She's Walking Away

She checks her watch, anxiously waiting. She drums her fingers on the top of her desk. Gibbs walks into the squad room. He checks his watch. He smiles.

"Ziva... you should go. I don't want you to be late."

"You're sure?"

"It's an order."

She stands up, and rises to meet him. She grabs her bag. She walks out from behind her desk. She tries to step past him. He moves in front of her.

"Not so fast," he warns.

She smiles, as he embraces her. He lets go, and she forces her smile. She tries not to cry. She doesn't meet Tony's eyes. McGee leaves his desk, and joins them. He holds out a hand.

"It's been a pleasure," he smiles.

"The pleasure was mine."

"You won't forget me?"

"I could never forget you McGee."

"You need to go," Gibbs tells her.

She heads to the elevator. She hesitates as the doors open. He doesn't follow her. She knows that Abby is waiting, to take her to the airport.

Tony looks up from his desk.

"Where is she going?"

"You're kidding right?" McGee looks at Tony.

"She's moving to Miami. Didn't she tell you? Haven't you been listening, at all?" McGee raises an eyebrow.

"I didn't know she was leaving so soon. I thought I had more time."

"Tim, go get yourself a nutter butter," Gibbs insists.

He nods, and leaves the room.

"What the Hell is wrong with you, DiNozzo?" Gibbs hovers over Tony's desk. His palms rest on the surface.

"What do you mean boss?"

"What are you doing?"

"I am trying to work."

"You are letting her walk away?"

"What do you want me to do? There are rules."

"Rule eighteen is sort of a loophole, to most of them."

"I know, but... I want her to be happy."

"You are not getting off the hook that easy."

"Why are you so mad at me? I can't make her stay. I am sorry that your team is falling apart, but..."

"Fix it!" he slaps the desk hard, with both hands.

"I can't. I wish that I could."

"You can and you will," Gibbs argues.

"How?"

"Have you learned nothing from me?"

"I have learned everything from you."

"Maybe you've learned too much. Maybe I should lead by example. Do not make the same mistakes that I have."

"What mistakes?"

"Don't let her walk away."

"I'm not you, and she's not Jenny."

"It doesn't matter. If you..." he trails off.

"If I what?"

"If you love someone, you tell them."

"I can't tell her that."

"Can't, or won't? You would rather be miserable, than just tell her the truth? You are not proving anything, to anyone here. You are setting yourself up to fail."

"I was here before here, and I will be here after."

"I don't want a broken version of you. So if you can't go after her, then you should just leave."

"Are you firing me?"

"I am giving you an ultimatum. You go after her, make this right, or you just go."

"What about rule twelve?"

"Some rules are meant to be broken."

"She is my partner," Tony replies.

"Was. She was your partner. She isn't anymore. She's nothing to you now. She's just someone in your past, who you were too afraid to be honest with."

"Why are you upset with me? You should be upset with her."

"No. She gave you plenty of chances, and you never took them."

"When?"

"Every single day."

"Every single day? No, she always shot me down."

"You're telling me, that she never gave you the opportunity to say what you should say to her?"

"It was never the right time."

"And it is never going to be the right time. Don't you get it? If you don't do something now, you will never get her back. She will never forgive you for letting her go, no matter how many times you try to redeem yourself. Sometimes women walk away, and they want you to follow them. They want you to show them that... they are more important."

"Is that happened? With you and Jenny?"

"I should have gone with her. She was strong willed. I needed to do things, on her terms. If I had... she would still be here, today."

"She knew the truth. She knew how you felt about her."

"Did she tell you that?"

"No, I just know."

"I don't. I never said it. She died, and I will never know if she knew. I will never get the chance to ask."

"She's not Jenny."

"Maybe not, but to you, she's something. Make it right."

"What if I can't? What if I pour my heart out to her, and she leaves anyway? What if it's already too late?"

"Do you love her?"

"Do I have to answer that?"

"How are you ever going to know, if you don't try? If you never tell her the truth, you will never know."

"Boss..."

"Rule number twelve, does not matter."

"Since when?"

"Since I decided that rule fifty one supersedes, it, on this one occasion."

"Rule fifty one?"

"Sometimes you're wrong."

"I..."

"Why are you still here? DiNozzo, go after her. Now!"


	4. Truth Hurts

He is stuck in his own head. Why was it so hard for him to just tell her the truth? Why couldn't he just say those three words? I love you. What if it was too late? What if she didn't love him back? Why did he play this game, when he knew most of the answers. The only question that seemed to haunt him was, how would he screw this up? He already had. He should have told her. She had given him, so many chances. He was just never man enough to take them.

They call her flight, and she boards the plane. Fifteen minutes the plane lifts off the ground, and she feels her heart sink, as she taxis down the runway. He really wasn't going to come for her. He was going to let her go. This isn't how she wanted it to end, but she couldn't go on, loving someone, who could never love her back. No, that wasn't it. He loved her back, he just could never tell her. She needed to hear it. She needed him to whisper those three words into her ear. Why did he have to be so afraid? What was he afraid of? She thought that he knew she loved him. Maybe she should have told him. Maybe she needed to be the one who said it first. Now, it didn't really matter. She was never going to know.

When she landed, she would pretend to be ok. For the rest of her life, she would pretend to be someone else. Someone without a picture of how her life would be. She was going to have that picture, but the people in the picture, they weren't going to be the right ones. She had to stop obsessing over this. She had to move on, make a clean break. She settles in her seat, and swallows her drink. She leans back, and closes her eyes.

When she opens her eyes the plane is over the runway. She looks out the window. It was sunny, and beautiful. It was like a scene out of a movie, but how was she ever going to have a happy ending, if she was miserable? She felt completely miserable without him. The plane lands on the runway. She unbuckles. She allows the people sitting next to her to file out of the aisle. She slips into the center aisle, and quickly retrieves her bag. She follows the slow procession of people, off of the plane. She fights back the tears as she walks down the hallway. With every single step, she fights the urge to turn back.

She steps into the chaos of the airport. She drags her wheeled suitcase behind her. She looks ahead, afraid to look back. She pushes her sunglasses onto her head. She moves past rows and rows of seats. She doesn't bother looking at the people sitting in them. She goes through security, and on to baggage claim. She grabs her bags, and heads for the exit. Outside she finds a driver, holding a sign, with her name on it. He puts her bags into the trunk, and climbs into the empty backseat of the car.

She waits for the car to move, but it doesn't. She taps on the glass. The car pulls into traffic. She doesn't pay much attention, to where they are going. Fifteen minutes away from the airport the car pulls into a parking lot. She looks up, wondering why they're stopping. At a fast food restaurant. That's something Tony would do. She scolds herself. Why did she have to keep bringing him up?

The glass between the front, and back seat rolls down. She can only see the back of the driver's head. Finally he breaks the silence.

"You hungry?"

"No."

"You should eat," he insists.

"Why, is that?"

"So that you aren't hungry on your flight back."

"On my flight back? Back where?"

"To D.C."

"I am not going back to D.C."

"Ziva, I think it would be a shame, if you didn't."

Suddenly it hits her, she wasn't projecting Tony on to someone. She was talking to Tony.

"What are you doing here?" she questions.

He looks at her in the rearview mirror. He wears aviator's. He takes the sunglasses, and the hat off.

"How did you get here before me?"

"I got on a c-130. It is a lot quicker."

"How did you get this car?"

"The guy who put your bags in the trunk, he's the driver. I paid him off, and bought him a steak dinner, in the airport."

"Why are you here? Why didn't you just call me?"

"Where is your phone?"

"I don't know," she shrugs.

"You left it in your drawer, in your desk, at NCIS."

"Oh."

He hands the phone to her.

"You have a lot of missed calls."

"I still don't understand, why would you come all the way to Miami? You could have just stopped me in the airport."

He smiles, "I saw it in a movie once."

"What is the real reason?"

"I couldn't let you go."

"Why are you here? Why are you chasing me?"

"I was given more than one ultimatum. Neither of them..." he trails off.

"Now you are struggling for words? I find that hard to believe."

"What do you want me to say to you?"

"What I have always wanted. I want the truth. I have spent most of my life with lies, and I am tired of it."

"Ok," he nods.

He opens the door, and slides out of his seat. Moments later the door next to her opens. He climbs into the backseat, next to her. She stares at him. Her bangs cover one eye. He brushes it away, tucking it behind her ear. Her hand touches his. He removes it. He searches his eyes.

"Are you really ready for this?"

"I have been ready for a long time," she discloses.

He nods, knowing that he needed to start somewhere. He finds a knot forming in his throat.

"I will start. I am tired of running, I am tired of pretending. What I want, is you," she clarifies.

He nods, still unable to speak.

"I love you. If you can't love me back, that is on you, but please, let me go, if you can't."

"Ziva this is not easy for me."

"What are you afraid of? Why can't you say it?"

"I don't want to lose you. I have lost everyone that I ever loved."

"And you think that you are alone in that?"

"No, I guess not."

"This is no easier for me, than it is for you."

"So why can you say it?"

"Because I have come to realize how easily life changes. The person standing beside you one day, isn't always next to you the next."

"I felt the same, but then there was you."

"What do you mean?"

"Everyday, it just kept coming back to you. Every single, night before I left work, there you would be. You never let me down."

"When we went to Israel, I almost killed you."

"If you had, it would not have let me down."

"How can you say that?"

"I'm jaded, I guess."

"You are a lot of things."

"So are you. Every day that you were gone... I just wanted you back. Your place is with me. Beside me. That summer, I felt like something was missing, and it was you. I can't live without you."

"Just say it."

He nods, and swallows hard. Finally the words escape his lips, "Ziva, I love you."


	5. Out Of The Blue

"That's good."

"That is all you have to say?"

"I don't want to move to Miami. I didn't want to leave you, it was the only way."

"What are you talking about?"

"I took some vacation time. All I packed, is this suitcase."

"You played me?"

"I was hoping that you would come through. I was hoping that you would come after me. I thought that by the end of the week you would have made a decision."

"And if I hadn't?"

"I never would have come back."

"You played me?" he repeats his question.

"What choice did I have? I was tired of waiting. I needed to know the truth."

"Now you know the truth. Now it's your turn."

"You already know the truth."

"Can you say it? Please?"

"I love you."

"Does Gibbs know?"

"That I love you?"

"That you were playing me?"

"I didn't come up with the idea on my own."

"He was behind it?"

"He helped."

"Ziva, I am sorry. I never should have let you walk out the door. I never should have taken you for granted. I thought that you would always be around. I didn't think that you would ever leave me. I thought that what wasn't said was enough to keep you there. I was wrong. Why would you stay? Why would you stay, when you don't have a reason to stay for? I should have given you a reason to stay."

"You're here now."

"I'm not too late?"

She smiles, "No."

"So now what?"

"Now you take me home."

"You want to go back to Israel?"

"No. To D.C. That is home."

"Are you sure?"

"No, not really."

"Why not?"

"Because home is wherever you are," she admits.

"If that is the case, maybe we should stay."

"No, I don't want to stay. I am happy, where I am."

"You are?"

"Yes."

"Why did you go through all of this? This took a lot of planning, and careful thought," he wonders.

"Because I had to know. I wanted to know the truth. I am not the only one who needs a push, sometimes, to push back."

"No. You're not."

"So, can we go home now?"

"On one condition."

"And what is that?"

"There is something that I have always wanted to do."

"Oh?"

"It's a club I have always wanted to join."

"Done," she agrees.

"You don't even know what I was going to say."

"Yes I do. I know you. You want to be a part of the mile high club."

"You play me like a fiddle."

"You should know by now, I usually have my way."

"Are you saying that you want to have your way with me?" he questions.

"I guess you will find out."

"Ziva?"

"Yes?"

"I have to ask are..."

"Yes," she admits.

"We should probably get going."

"Yes."

"Gibbs was going to fire me," he adds, "If I didn't come get you."

"He doesn't like sorting through personnel files," she points out.

"So it was as much for him as it was for me?"

She shrugs, "Probably."

A few hours later he finds himself sitting next to her, on a plane. She sits next to the window. She sleeps peacefully. He watches her as she sleeps. For once she doesn't snore. How had this mess turned into something so wonderful? He would never understand that.

"You can stop staring," she warns.

"I thought that you were sleeping," he admits.

"I was."

"Then how could you know?"

"I think that you were drooling on me," she jokes.

"I just..."

"You what?"

"I love you."

"You've said that already."

"And I am going to keep saying it."

"You don't think that it is going to get old?"

"We might, but it won't."

"You don't think that you'll ever change your mind?"

"Nope."

"That is a risky move, don't you think?"

"Maybe, but it's worth it."

"How do you figure?"

"Because I've got you."

"Do not turn into a sap."

"Or what?"

"Or I will drop kick you the second we get off this plane."

"I can't make any promises. Love turns people into sappy puddles of blubber."

She cringes. She feels the movie reference coming. She stops him before he can ask.

"I am not watching _Flubber _with you, when we get back."

"I was thinking something more like _Body Heat_, but that's just me."

She looks at him, and rolls her eyes. She fidgets in her seat, trying to get comfortable. She closes her eyes, trying to fall back to sleep. She tries to rest up, for the night that is ahead of them.


End file.
